I never do these surveys but I thought this one was cute!
1) Was your first pregnancy planned? Not exactly. She wasn't planned but we also weren't using any birth control. We weren't trying but we also weren't trying to prevent it. Still, she was a surprise to us. The best surprise EVER!! :)
2) Were you married at the time? No, but might as well have been. We were married every way but legally.
3) What were your reactions? I was terrified!!! Not because I didn't want her, but because I did. Henry was very very happy and excited- I was too once some of the terror faded!!
4) Was abortion an option for you? ABSOLUTELY NOT! NEVER!!
5) How old were you? I was 21, Henry was 26
6) How did you find out you were pregnant? I wasn't even a day late, but Henry had kept telling me I was pregnant. I had a pregnancy test leftover from a few months before and I took it just because. That second line showed up INSTANTLY! My cousin Jennifer was with me in the bathroom and she was just as shocked as I was!
7) Who did you tell first? Jennifer was with me so she knew first and then I called Henry even though it was the middle of the night!
8) Did you want to find out the sex? Yes!! And we did, at 17 weeks. :)
9) Due Date? 4 April 2009
10) Did you have morning sickness? Oh yes. I had HORRIBLE morning sickness, and not just in the morning but all day every day for my whole pregnancy! Thankfully I have an amazing husband- he was so great. He cleaned up vomit, got me ice chips and ginger ale and cold rags. I love him!
11) What did you crave? Chinese food (Seasame Chicken and Lo Mein), McDonald's chicken nuggets, Chicken salad and grilled chicken sandwiches from Chick-Fil-A. And Coca-Cola!!! Henry was always going out in the middle of the night to get McDonald's for me!!
12) Who/What irritated you the most? Not having enough of a belly to tell I was pregnant until 6 months along!!
13) What was your first child's sex? A BEAUTIFUL PERFECT GIRL!!
14) Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting? NO, Never!!
15) How many pounds did you gain throughout your pregnancy? 43. Our doctor wanted me to gain extra weight because I'm so tiny. She told us I needed to gain between 35-45lbs and I thought it would be impossible!!
16) Did you have a baby shower? Yes, it was wonderful!! :)
17) Was it a surprise or did you know? We knew!
18) Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? No complications, but I was considered pretty high risk because of the medicine I take and a few other reasons. For that reason they did innumerable ultrasounds (which we loved!!) and Non-Stress Testing, and we were monitored very frequently!
19) Where did you give birth? Medical College of Georgia (MCG) in Augusta, GA.
20) How many hours were you in labor? Well, contractions woke me up about 0700 that morning and she came into this world at 1641, so almost 10 hours, but it was VERY EASY labor. Now if you want to count just pushing as labor, then about 15 minutes. Four pushes and she was out!!
21) Who drove you to the hospital? My wonderful husband, Henry. Traffic was horrible because it was Master's Week and Henry did his best to get us there quickly and he did a good job of it! Then we couldn't find L&D because they were doing construction in the hospital and there were no signs (we had never been to that hospital before). We ended up on some floor where Henry commandered a wheelchair and made me ride! As soon as we found L&D the nurses took one look at me and said "Wow, we need to get you to a room and hooked up quick!"
22) Who watched you give birth? Henry!! And NUMEROUS doctors, nurses, and a special newborn team! The room was crowded!
23) Was it vaginal or a C-Section? Vaginal, thankfully!
24) Did you take medicine to ease the pain? ABSOLUTELY! Epidurals are AMAZING!! I didn't feel a thing, and I mean literally. No pain, no pressure, nothing!
25) How much did your child weigh? 6lbs 14oz 19 inches long!
26) When was your child actually born? Exactly a week after my due date. Saturday, 11 April 2009
27) What did you name him/her? Cadence Marie Bodie! We had her name picked out long before we were pregnant! <3
28) How old is your first born today? 2 years, 3 months, and 2 days!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Early Days With Henry
The past few days I've been thinking a lot about my first few months with Henry. I wish I could convey the feelings of those days. I needed so badly to get away and he offered me a place to stay for a weekend. Because of the drugs, there's a lot I don't remember, but he tells me that when the weekend was up he asked me to stay. I do remember telling him that if I was staying we had to drive the two hours to Athens so I could get more clothes. I do remember that I didn't tell him until we were almost there that he was going to meet my parents. After a few weeks I had more clothes in his barracks room than he did. During the day, while he was at work, I would hang out in his room and watch DVD's because he didn't have cable. I would spend time on the internet. I would sit outside and smoke and read. On his lunch break he would come check on me, bring me food, and make sure I ate, because I wasn't eating much in those days. He knew I was taking the pain pills, and he understood why. He made sure I didn't stop breathing. And he was the one that talked me into rehab. Less than a month after we met he was sent to WLC at Ft. Benning. At the time I remember thinking that I had known him for so long, but looking back it was only a few weeks. I was heartbroken. He told me I could stay in his room while he was gone, but I didn't want to be alone so I went back home. I went to Columbus and we lived in hotels for a little while during WLC, and I remember loving it. When he wasn't at WLC we watched movies, ate out, talked. He even dyed my hair pink for me. Then he had to go to the field for a week and I went back home. While he was in the field he wrote me love letters, one for every day we were apart. I still have them and I cherish them. When he came home I moved back into his barracks room with him. One night I took too many pills and had a seizure, the last of many. I remember telling him I felt 'seizurish' and he held me. The next thing I knew I was waking up in his arms, my head in his lap, on the floor, a pulse ox monitor on my finger, and him telling me my heart rate was much too high, that I had had a seizure and that he was going to carry me across the street to the ER. If he hadn't been there I'm not sure what would have happened. I know I scared him, I know he was terrified. He took care of me. And thankfully that was the last seizure I ever had. Because of the drugs there is a lot I don't remember about that time. I do remember him making me smile. I remember laying in his arms and watching Grey's Anatomy. I remember feeling safe and cared for. I remember him staying up all night with me a lot of nights, even though he had to work the next day. He must have been exhausted. I remember every day looking forward to his lunch breaks. When it got close to time for him to get off work I would go sit outside on the stairs and wait for him. Summer turned to fall and fall turned to winter. There was a room inspection in the middle of the night one night and they found me in his room and told us that I had to go. They also found my drugs, in an unlabeled bottle, but by some miracle neither of us got in trouble. Not long after that he talked me into going to rehab. A few days before I left for rehab we officially became a couple. He went to Build-A-Bear and made me a stuffed puppy, with a voice recording of him saying 'I love you sweetness' for me to take to rehab with me. That was February 13. I checked into rehab a few days later and I missed him like crazy. He came with my Dad to visit me and I cried and begged him to get me out, and I will never forget the look on his face when he had to leave me there. After rehab we saw each other a lot. He came to my parents house every weekend to see me and eventually I moved back into his barracks room with him. Every day I fell more in love with him, and it's still that way. There's so much more to tell about our early days together but I will save that for another time.
Henry, my one, my soulmate, I love you with absolutely everything I am, always.
Henry, my one, my soulmate, I love you with absolutely everything I am, always.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Night Shift
So Henry starts night shift on Monday. And I have to be honest, I am not happy about it and I am more than a little scared. Yes, it could be much much worse, and I am so grateful that he will still be here and not away from us. But I do hate that we won't get to see him much. I hate that even on his days off we won't see much of him because while we're awake he will be asleep. I hate that Cadence won't see much of him. I hate it for him. I hate that we're going to be alone at night. For those of you that know me you know that I don't do well alone, and I especially don't do well alone at night. And after what happened the other day with those horribly severe panic attacks, I am even more scared. In the grand scheme of things I know this isn't bad, I know it isn't a big deal. But I am scared of being alone at night. To me that's a huge thing. Besides staff duty, I havent been alone at night since right after Shawn died. It was horrible then and it's still horrible. For me it is bad. I cannot sleep when I am alone. I cannot sleep without him next to me. For nearly four years Henry has been there to wake me from the nightmares and keep me safe. And now I will be alone in our bed, and it will not be easy for me. And he could be on night shift until we PCS, and that could be three years. I assume I will get used to it. I really have no choice. My only other option is to switch my schedule and Cadence's, and stay up all night and sleep all day, but I don't really think that's fair to her. We both need to see sunshine. So, the only thing I can really do is suck it up. Yes, I am aware that this sounds like a lot of bitching and whining. I am aware that it could be worse- believe me, I know all too well. But you are not me and you do not understand my fears. You do not have my nightmares. You do not know what terror the night can bring. So, please, do not tell me I'm overreacting. It may seem that way to you, but if you were in my shoes you would understand. Yes, I am extremely lucky that he is here and not deployed, and I am grateful for that every minute. Yes, I am very aware that it could be worse, so I don't need you to tell me that. This is me, this is our life, my life, these are my fears, and it is not for you to judge what 'should' or 'shouldn't' be a big deal.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Panic
Panic attacks are horrible. They started when Shawn deployed, happened every so often during that nine months, got much worse after he died, went away completely while I was pregnant with Cadence, came back with a vengeance when Henry was in Korea, for the most part went away when he came home, and starting last month, reached a horrible crescendo. I do not want this, this panic disorder. I did not ask for it, and I do not want it. Have you ever had a panic attack? I feel like I'm dying. My chest hurts and is so tight that I can't breathe. It's scary, especially when I'm alone with Cadence. I am so sure I am dying. And even though I know exactly what it is, even though I know it's a panic attack and that it will pass after I take my medicine, it's nearly impossible for me to believe that I'm not dying during one. The one today was so horrible I almost called an ambulance. I was terrified, not only for me, but for Cadence as well. I could not breathe, I could not think about anything except that I was about to die in front of my child. And the more I thought that, the worse it got, of course. I have been trying not to take my medicine, because I hate it and thought I was done with it for good. But after 20 minutes of being sure I was dying I took some. I just want this to go away. Or if not then I wish there was a medicine for anxiety attacks that isn't a benzodiazepine or a sedative. I hate this. Haven't I been through enough? And yet I have to deal with this too? And it isn't fair to Cadence that Mommy freaks out and thinks she's dying. She deserves better than that. I want her to have better than that. Why can't they just stop, go away, and leave me alone? That shouldn't be so much to ask. I don't want Cadence growing up watching Mommy like that. It scares her. I'm not sure what else to do except take the stupid medicine when I need to, and I hate that too. But, I guess, it's the lesser of two evils.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Here I Am
I made it through June of my fourth year, though not without immense help from Henry and Cadence. And I am happy. Happy and in love. Two things I never thought I would be again. I look forward to getting up each day, and I look forward to going to sleep every night in Henry's arms. My times of sadness are fewer and farther between. And I thank God and Shawn every day for this life and this love they have given me.
Henry is absolutely amazing, and without him I would be nothing. Hell, without him, I wouldn't even be alive, much less here. I am so very much in love with him. So much so that there are not words to describe this love. And I am blessed enough to have him deeply in love with me too. Every time he tells me he's in love with me, my heart feels like it's going to explode with happiness. I still get butterflies when he holds my hand, my heart still skips a beat when he looks at me, I still get excited when he's on his way home from work, because I know that I will see him soon. Every day with him is love and joy and happiness. That isn't to say we havent had bad times, because we most certainly have. Loving a widow with all of her accompanying baggage isn't easy. I have not been easy, and at times I have not been easy on him. But, we are only more thankful and happy and in love because of the hard times, not in spite of. Every day I am immensely grateful for his love and kindness. Do I still have bad days? Of course I do. But he is always there to pick up the pieces and put me back together again. What an amazing man to love and cherish a widow with all of her hurt and fears. I am not empty anymore, and I thank him and Cadence for that too. Henry has given me a life that I never could have even hoped for. A life, an amazing life, a beautiful, healthy daughter, laughter, love, joy, hope. For all I have lost, I am here, I am strong, I am happy. I am alive, and I am grateful.
Henry is absolutely amazing, and without him I would be nothing. Hell, without him, I wouldn't even be alive, much less here. I am so very much in love with him. So much so that there are not words to describe this love. And I am blessed enough to have him deeply in love with me too. Every time he tells me he's in love with me, my heart feels like it's going to explode with happiness. I still get butterflies when he holds my hand, my heart still skips a beat when he looks at me, I still get excited when he's on his way home from work, because I know that I will see him soon. Every day with him is love and joy and happiness. That isn't to say we havent had bad times, because we most certainly have. Loving a widow with all of her accompanying baggage isn't easy. I have not been easy, and at times I have not been easy on him. But, we are only more thankful and happy and in love because of the hard times, not in spite of. Every day I am immensely grateful for his love and kindness. Do I still have bad days? Of course I do. But he is always there to pick up the pieces and put me back together again. What an amazing man to love and cherish a widow with all of her hurt and fears. I am not empty anymore, and I thank him and Cadence for that too. Henry has given me a life that I never could have even hoped for. A life, an amazing life, a beautiful, healthy daughter, laughter, love, joy, hope. For all I have lost, I am here, I am strong, I am happy. I am alive, and I am grateful.
but inside I'm screaming...
June 21, 2011
who would have thought that two words could tear your whole world apart and bring you to your knees? Two words, two little words. He's gone. And I did not scream, I did not quit breathing, I did not swallow a bottle of pills. But can't you hear it? Inside I'm screaming. Inside I can't breathe. Can't you hear me screaming? Can't you see it in my eyes?
I was told that because I was not hysterical I must not have loved him. I ask you again, can you not hear it? Inside I am screaming. Inside I have been screaming for four years and 18 days. Why can't you hear it? Why can't you look in my eyes and see it? Let's jump back four years, eighteen days. My world has just ended. I am in unimaginable pain. I am terrified. I do not say a word, but inside I am screaming. I do not say a word, but I want to die. I do not say a word, but I am empty. Can you hear me now? Inside I'm screaming. Two words can tear you in two, empty you out, make you want to die. There is only pain and emptiness, and the barren landscape of your own soul. There is only darkness and hope is out of reach. You don't know how to breathe, but you do. You don't know how to walk, so you crawl. You are terrified to sleep because of the nightmares, and even more terrified to be awake. Inside it is loud, so loud. But the quiet would be worse. You sleep with the TV on because in the raging quiet the memories are too much. Everything, absolutely everything is a reminder of what you have lost, what has been taken from you. Every breath hurts because your heart has been ripped out. You don't want to go on, but you have to, somehow. You need to get away, so you run. You run and you run and you run. You try to numb your pain. There is no light, no hope. Life does not get any more desolate than what you see inside yourself. And inside I am screaming.
who would have thought that two words could tear your whole world apart and bring you to your knees? Two words, two little words. He's gone. And I did not scream, I did not quit breathing, I did not swallow a bottle of pills. But can't you hear it? Inside I'm screaming. Inside I can't breathe. Can't you hear me screaming? Can't you see it in my eyes?
I was told that because I was not hysterical I must not have loved him. I ask you again, can you not hear it? Inside I am screaming. Inside I have been screaming for four years and 18 days. Why can't you hear it? Why can't you look in my eyes and see it? Let's jump back four years, eighteen days. My world has just ended. I am in unimaginable pain. I am terrified. I do not say a word, but inside I am screaming. I do not say a word, but I want to die. I do not say a word, but I am empty. Can you hear me now? Inside I'm screaming. Two words can tear you in two, empty you out, make you want to die. There is only pain and emptiness, and the barren landscape of your own soul. There is only darkness and hope is out of reach. You don't know how to breathe, but you do. You don't know how to walk, so you crawl. You are terrified to sleep because of the nightmares, and even more terrified to be awake. Inside it is loud, so loud. But the quiet would be worse. You sleep with the TV on because in the raging quiet the memories are too much. Everything, absolutely everything is a reminder of what you have lost, what has been taken from you. Every breath hurts because your heart has been ripped out. You don't want to go on, but you have to, somehow. You need to get away, so you run. You run and you run and you run. You try to numb your pain. There is no light, no hope. Life does not get any more desolate than what you see inside yourself. And inside I am screaming.
Widow
June 20, 2011
Some days I just want to be normal for a bit. I never wanted the word, the tag, the stigma, of widow applied to me. I never wanted any of this. I NEVER WANTED THIS! I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. I didn't ask for it. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted him to come home. And some days I am still angry. I didn't want this, dammit, I did not want it. No one ever wants this. I am still so angry. Angry at the world, angry at God. He was supposed to come home. I just wanted him to come home. I left a light on, every single night. I did everything I could. I loved him with all of me. And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to bring him home. I am still bitter sometimes. Why him? Why me? Why any of us? I miss him. I love him. And I didn't want this. Oh, God, I did not want this. I wanted one thing. Only one thing, for him to come home alive. And I didn't get the only thing I wanted.
I can still see him. But his smile is fading. I can't smell him anymore, can't feel his touch. I can no longer picture the exact color of his eyes. I am slowly losing the only thing I have left of him.
He is gone. And I am here. This is my reality.
Some days I just want to be normal for a bit. I never wanted the word, the tag, the stigma, of widow applied to me. I never wanted any of this. I NEVER WANTED THIS! I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. I didn't ask for it. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted him to come home. And some days I am still angry. I didn't want this, dammit, I did not want it. No one ever wants this. I am still so angry. Angry at the world, angry at God. He was supposed to come home. I just wanted him to come home. I left a light on, every single night. I did everything I could. I loved him with all of me. And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to bring him home. I am still bitter sometimes. Why him? Why me? Why any of us? I miss him. I love him. And I didn't want this. Oh, God, I did not want this. I wanted one thing. Only one thing, for him to come home alive. And I didn't get the only thing I wanted.
I can still see him. But his smile is fading. I can't smell him anymore, can't feel his touch. I can no longer picture the exact color of his eyes. I am slowly losing the only thing I have left of him.
He is gone. And I am here. This is my reality.
I Love Being a Mommy
June 13, 2011
"The day she brought her beautiful face into this world, she'd entered into a contract which she believed with all her heart was governed by the will of God. In return for her daughter's smile, and her laughter, and her love; in return for the sleepless nights of worry over unexplained fevers and colic and messy diapers; in return for unquestioning, unconditional love, the one thing she owed her daughter more than anything else was simply to be there to love her, to hold her. In the best of times or in the worst, her job was to be always down the hall when she cried out in the night, or to be always the first on the scene with a Band-Aid for her knee, a tissue for her tears."
"The day she brought her beautiful face into this world, she'd entered into a contract which she believed with all her heart was governed by the will of God. In return for her daughter's smile, and her laughter, and her love; in return for the sleepless nights of worry over unexplained fevers and colic and messy diapers; in return for unquestioning, unconditional love, the one thing she owed her daughter more than anything else was simply to be there to love her, to hold her. In the best of times or in the worst, her job was to be always down the hall when she cried out in the night, or to be always the first on the scene with a Band-Aid for her knee, a tissue for her tears."
Promises, Promises
May 31, 2011
One thing that really shocked me after Shawn died was the manner of death listed on the death certificate- Homicide. Oddly, that shocked me. It shouldn't have, because, after all, that's exactly what it was. But until I saw that, I hadn't thought of it that way. Why, I'm not sure. It obviously wasn't suicide or natural causes and neither was it an accident. I guess it was harder to think of it as being murder. And oddly enough, there was comfort to be found on his death certificate too- Instantaneous. He did not suffer. He did not think. He did not have time to wonder why I was not there, holding his hand, like I had promised to be when death came for him, for us, when we were old and gray. I had promised him that, and it was a promise I couldn't keep. And, oh, I would have given anything to be able to hold him as he left my world and went to God. We had plans, plans to grow old and die together, in our sleep, in each others arms. It was all we wanted, really. We never asked much. We just wanted to have a long life together. The fact that I wasn't there for him still hurts me. I know it was instant, and even had I been there he would not have known. But that doesn't change the fact that I made a promise I wasn't able to keep. Yes, I know he understands, and on good days that is more than enough. On days like today I still wonder if I could have changed it, could have stopped it.
One thing that really shocked me after Shawn died was the manner of death listed on the death certificate- Homicide. Oddly, that shocked me. It shouldn't have, because, after all, that's exactly what it was. But until I saw that, I hadn't thought of it that way. Why, I'm not sure. It obviously wasn't suicide or natural causes and neither was it an accident. I guess it was harder to think of it as being murder. And oddly enough, there was comfort to be found on his death certificate too- Instantaneous. He did not suffer. He did not think. He did not have time to wonder why I was not there, holding his hand, like I had promised to be when death came for him, for us, when we were old and gray. I had promised him that, and it was a promise I couldn't keep. And, oh, I would have given anything to be able to hold him as he left my world and went to God. We had plans, plans to grow old and die together, in our sleep, in each others arms. It was all we wanted, really. We never asked much. We just wanted to have a long life together. The fact that I wasn't there for him still hurts me. I know it was instant, and even had I been there he would not have known. But that doesn't change the fact that I made a promise I wasn't able to keep. Yes, I know he understands, and on good days that is more than enough. On days like today I still wonder if I could have changed it, could have stopped it.
Untouchable
The following speech was written for Shawn's memorial service in Iraq by a very good friend-
"There is no easy way to go about losing a brother. Sgt. Shawn Dressler was more than a soldier, he was the guy that would come up on a long day with his big smile, singing a country song, dancing around, or talking about Jesus. I'm sure he was just as tired as all of us, but he would do this so we could laugh. He was our friend and our brother. It's not going to be the same without Shawn. Whether it's out by the smoking area, playing S.O.C.O.M., or even just not seeing him walking around in all of his Michigan gear.
I spoke with his wife, Amanda. Her and I began talking as me and Shawn's friendship grew. I told her I would be speaking here tonight, and I asked her if there was anything she would like me to say on her behalf. She said she wanted us all to know how much he loved us and talked about us.
Sgt. Dressler and I have spent many hours on tower guard; he was a loving son, and husband.
Among many things, Shawn had a love for turkey hunting. I like to think there's somewhere up in Heaven he can go turkey hunting. He was so happy his R&R was during turkey season.
When we got to the cash, our SGM came up to me and stopped me and started telling me to honor our brother by going out into sector and finding these terrorists. We spoke a few minutes and he closed with "don't have hate in your heart." It made me smile because Sgt. Dressler used to say that when he would walk around blessing people with capfuls of water. I began to think that that was Shawn, sending us all a sign; all those times he joked about it, he truly would want us to go about our job the right way, not by dishonoring ourselves and our country; and also that he is ok.
I'm going to miss him a lot, we all will. He was a tremendous asset to our platoon; between being a universal soldier, being able to move from gun team leader, to Bradley gunner, and his last duty position as a dismount team leader, and also being the guy that would bring a smile to all of our faces. We've lost some true heroes here at Wolfpack and Vanguards, and I know they're up there right now, as part of God's Army, looking down on us as the angels do. So Shawn, we miss you, we love you. We'll be seeing you again in the sky, where we will all become untouchable."
Four years later, I still have this, and I still read it. The man that wrote this is an amazing friend, both to me and Shawn. The man that wrote this always believed in me, without question. I know Shawn is so proud of him. Matt, I hope you don't mind that I posted this. I hope you know how much this meant to me then, how much it means to me now. I hope you know too how much your friendship has always meant to me. Hope you're doing good. You will always have a very special place in my heart.
"There is no easy way to go about losing a brother. Sgt. Shawn Dressler was more than a soldier, he was the guy that would come up on a long day with his big smile, singing a country song, dancing around, or talking about Jesus. I'm sure he was just as tired as all of us, but he would do this so we could laugh. He was our friend and our brother. It's not going to be the same without Shawn. Whether it's out by the smoking area, playing S.O.C.O.M., or even just not seeing him walking around in all of his Michigan gear.
I spoke with his wife, Amanda. Her and I began talking as me and Shawn's friendship grew. I told her I would be speaking here tonight, and I asked her if there was anything she would like me to say on her behalf. She said she wanted us all to know how much he loved us and talked about us.
Sgt. Dressler and I have spent many hours on tower guard; he was a loving son, and husband.
Among many things, Shawn had a love for turkey hunting. I like to think there's somewhere up in Heaven he can go turkey hunting. He was so happy his R&R was during turkey season.
When we got to the cash, our SGM came up to me and stopped me and started telling me to honor our brother by going out into sector and finding these terrorists. We spoke a few minutes and he closed with "don't have hate in your heart." It made me smile because Sgt. Dressler used to say that when he would walk around blessing people with capfuls of water. I began to think that that was Shawn, sending us all a sign; all those times he joked about it, he truly would want us to go about our job the right way, not by dishonoring ourselves and our country; and also that he is ok.
I'm going to miss him a lot, we all will. He was a tremendous asset to our platoon; between being a universal soldier, being able to move from gun team leader, to Bradley gunner, and his last duty position as a dismount team leader, and also being the guy that would bring a smile to all of our faces. We've lost some true heroes here at Wolfpack and Vanguards, and I know they're up there right now, as part of God's Army, looking down on us as the angels do. So Shawn, we miss you, we love you. We'll be seeing you again in the sky, where we will all become untouchable."
Four years later, I still have this, and I still read it. The man that wrote this is an amazing friend, both to me and Shawn. The man that wrote this always believed in me, without question. I know Shawn is so proud of him. Matt, I hope you don't mind that I posted this. I hope you know how much this meant to me then, how much it means to me now. I hope you know too how much your friendship has always meant to me. Hope you're doing good. You will always have a very special place in my heart.
Hate
May 31, 2011
Have I mentioned yet how much I hate this week? Because I do. Even after 4 years, I hate this week. If, God willing, I am still here in 80 years, I will still hate this week.
And hate is a strong word. This will sound odd to anyone that didn't know him, but when I think of the word hate I think of Shawn- not in the way most people would think. Quite the opposite. No matter what happened to him or what was done to him, he never hated, never. He told me on several occasions before he died that no matter what happened, to never have hate in my heart. Oh but I did, I still do sometimes. I do, of course I do, hate the people that did it, whoever they may be, and I've often thought that they should let the Army widows go take care of the ones that caused our husbands deaths, because I guarantee we would put the fear of God in them. There would be pain and torture- worse than what they did to our husbands. Even now, as I type this, I hear Shawn telling me "don't have hate in your heart, baby girl, you are too good for hate." But sometimes, on days like today, I just can't help it. I want to do them what they did to him, and more. And I am not a violent person.
Not too long after Shawn died, I heard a song, a hidden track on a CD that I had had for a long time, and I had never heard this song. One of the last lines in the song is this- "And smile at the gates 'cause their hate don't belong to you." So I try. I try not to have hate in my heart, because even after what happened to him, Shawn doesn't want me to hate. If he were here right now he'd be blessing me with capfuls of water and saying just that, because that's who he was. And for him, and myself as well, I try not to hate them. But some days, some weeks, like this one, I can't help it.
Have I mentioned yet how much I hate this week? Because I do. Even after 4 years, I hate this week. If, God willing, I am still here in 80 years, I will still hate this week.
And hate is a strong word. This will sound odd to anyone that didn't know him, but when I think of the word hate I think of Shawn- not in the way most people would think. Quite the opposite. No matter what happened to him or what was done to him, he never hated, never. He told me on several occasions before he died that no matter what happened, to never have hate in my heart. Oh but I did, I still do sometimes. I do, of course I do, hate the people that did it, whoever they may be, and I've often thought that they should let the Army widows go take care of the ones that caused our husbands deaths, because I guarantee we would put the fear of God in them. There would be pain and torture- worse than what they did to our husbands. Even now, as I type this, I hear Shawn telling me "don't have hate in your heart, baby girl, you are too good for hate." But sometimes, on days like today, I just can't help it. I want to do them what they did to him, and more. And I am not a violent person.
Not too long after Shawn died, I heard a song, a hidden track on a CD that I had had for a long time, and I had never heard this song. One of the last lines in the song is this- "And smile at the gates 'cause their hate don't belong to you." So I try. I try not to have hate in my heart, because even after what happened to him, Shawn doesn't want me to hate. If he were here right now he'd be blessing me with capfuls of water and saying just that, because that's who he was. And for him, and myself as well, I try not to hate them. But some days, some weeks, like this one, I can't help it.
Remember...
May 27, 2011
Shawn,
Remember the first time you called me? It was Christmas Eve and I had had a horrible day. And you, you made it all better, even though you were in your own hell. We had found each other on that website, and I thought you had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. We talked about everything, and nothing. And the phone was so staticky that it frustrated us both.
Remember how we told each other everything? How we'd spend hours, as long as you could, talking on Yahoo messenger. I still have every conversation we ever had on there saved. I go back, and I read them sometimes. And sometimes I laugh, mostly I cry. But this you know.
Remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend? Before we had ever even met in person. But you asked, and I told you I would let you know, made up some lame excuse that you saw right through because I was scared. I told you yes on January 3rd. Remember when you first told me you loved me? You said you had wanted to wait until you could look in my eyes and tell me, but that you couldn't wait anymore. And, oh honey, I loved you too.
Remember the first time we met in person? I was so nervous. I got off the plane, and there you were, and you took me in your arms and right there in the middle of that airport you bent me back and kissed me for the first time. You took me to the beach, and we walked, and talked, and it was such a beautiful night. We went back to your parent's house and you offered to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed. But I wanted to be in your arms. And so I was. Anything I wanted or needed, you gave, without a second thought.
Remember the first time I came to Germany? I got lost in the airport. You said you'd meet me at the gate. Well the gate to me was right when you got off the plane. I didn't know I would have to go through customs to get to you, and that left us both wandering the airport for what, two hours? And I finally figured it out, and we found each other, and you never let me live it down.
Remember Munich? Remember how I had to pretty much carry you to a cab? And that hotel room, it had those two tiny twin beds that you couldn't even push together, so I slept almost on top of you.
Remember the drive to Austria? We sang, we talked, we laughed. John Deere Green. Remember that night in Austria? We got lost, and walked for hours. You and Bobby tried to "sell" me as a hooker. Do you remember the transvestite hooker? And it threatened to call the cops on us because we were on its corner. And when we got back my legs ached so bad and all I wanted was a hot bath and the hot water didn't work. After all, that's why you had paid so much money for that room, just so I could have a bathtub and not just a shower. And the next day, when I needed the feminine product, and you and Bobby went in search of it and were gone for hours while Danny and Leah sat with me and I couldn't really move. Ha. Those are good friends you have. Really, Danny and Matt especially. I would have been lost without them.
Remember when you asked me to marry you? Christmas Day. We were laying in your bed at your parent's, watching A Christmas Story and one of the cats was in there and you were talking about us having a cat one day and our life together and did I still want that, and of course I did. And after I said yes you got so excited and left your room saying "Mom, she said yes!" And the ring was much too big because of my tiny size 4 fingers, and we had to wait a few days to get it sized and it was hard to wait.
Remember the time I thought I was pregnant? And you were so excited. Picked out names. And we were both disappointed when I wasn't, but figured we had years and years and years to have babies.
Do you remember how we were going to wait until after deployment to get married? And then you called me one night, not long after I had gotten home from Germany, and told me you didn't want to wait anymore and then we could have a second wedding, a big wedding, when you got back from Iraq. I bought our rings and a few weeks later we were married. Do you remember the man that married us? We couldn't understand him and it was so hard not to laugh. And after, we both cried happy tears. We both cried a lot of happy tears during our time together. That was one thing I loved about you- you would cry while telling me you loved me because you loved me so much.
Remember how you took me fishing on our wedding day? And I ran out of cigarettes and finished my book and then we couldn't find a store open to get more cigarettes. And we bought that cheap bottle of wine that was horrible. And saw a lot of wind meters.
Remember R&R? We were so excited. You were supposed to come home soon, for good. Never to be gone again, ever. We looked at houses online. And the day you left, they wouldn't let me go back with you because I hadn't brought my Military ID. And the last picture of you that I have in my head is of you walking away, bag slung over your shoulder, and you looked back and had the biggest smile on your face. You had told me "Not too much longer, baby, and then I promise to never leave you again." And you looking back with that smile on your face is the last picture memory that I have of you alive.
There is so much more, but that, for now, is all I can do.
Shawn,
Remember the first time you called me? It was Christmas Eve and I had had a horrible day. And you, you made it all better, even though you were in your own hell. We had found each other on that website, and I thought you had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. We talked about everything, and nothing. And the phone was so staticky that it frustrated us both.
Remember how we told each other everything? How we'd spend hours, as long as you could, talking on Yahoo messenger. I still have every conversation we ever had on there saved. I go back, and I read them sometimes. And sometimes I laugh, mostly I cry. But this you know.
Remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend? Before we had ever even met in person. But you asked, and I told you I would let you know, made up some lame excuse that you saw right through because I was scared. I told you yes on January 3rd. Remember when you first told me you loved me? You said you had wanted to wait until you could look in my eyes and tell me, but that you couldn't wait anymore. And, oh honey, I loved you too.
Remember the first time we met in person? I was so nervous. I got off the plane, and there you were, and you took me in your arms and right there in the middle of that airport you bent me back and kissed me for the first time. You took me to the beach, and we walked, and talked, and it was such a beautiful night. We went back to your parent's house and you offered to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed. But I wanted to be in your arms. And so I was. Anything I wanted or needed, you gave, without a second thought.
Remember the first time I came to Germany? I got lost in the airport. You said you'd meet me at the gate. Well the gate to me was right when you got off the plane. I didn't know I would have to go through customs to get to you, and that left us both wandering the airport for what, two hours? And I finally figured it out, and we found each other, and you never let me live it down.
Remember Munich? Remember how I had to pretty much carry you to a cab? And that hotel room, it had those two tiny twin beds that you couldn't even push together, so I slept almost on top of you.
Remember the drive to Austria? We sang, we talked, we laughed. John Deere Green. Remember that night in Austria? We got lost, and walked for hours. You and Bobby tried to "sell" me as a hooker. Do you remember the transvestite hooker? And it threatened to call the cops on us because we were on its corner. And when we got back my legs ached so bad and all I wanted was a hot bath and the hot water didn't work. After all, that's why you had paid so much money for that room, just so I could have a bathtub and not just a shower. And the next day, when I needed the feminine product, and you and Bobby went in search of it and were gone for hours while Danny and Leah sat with me and I couldn't really move. Ha. Those are good friends you have. Really, Danny and Matt especially. I would have been lost without them.
Remember when you asked me to marry you? Christmas Day. We were laying in your bed at your parent's, watching A Christmas Story and one of the cats was in there and you were talking about us having a cat one day and our life together and did I still want that, and of course I did. And after I said yes you got so excited and left your room saying "Mom, she said yes!" And the ring was much too big because of my tiny size 4 fingers, and we had to wait a few days to get it sized and it was hard to wait.
Remember the time I thought I was pregnant? And you were so excited. Picked out names. And we were both disappointed when I wasn't, but figured we had years and years and years to have babies.
Do you remember how we were going to wait until after deployment to get married? And then you called me one night, not long after I had gotten home from Germany, and told me you didn't want to wait anymore and then we could have a second wedding, a big wedding, when you got back from Iraq. I bought our rings and a few weeks later we were married. Do you remember the man that married us? We couldn't understand him and it was so hard not to laugh. And after, we both cried happy tears. We both cried a lot of happy tears during our time together. That was one thing I loved about you- you would cry while telling me you loved me because you loved me so much.
Remember how you took me fishing on our wedding day? And I ran out of cigarettes and finished my book and then we couldn't find a store open to get more cigarettes. And we bought that cheap bottle of wine that was horrible. And saw a lot of wind meters.
Remember R&R? We were so excited. You were supposed to come home soon, for good. Never to be gone again, ever. We looked at houses online. And the day you left, they wouldn't let me go back with you because I hadn't brought my Military ID. And the last picture of you that I have in my head is of you walking away, bag slung over your shoulder, and you looked back and had the biggest smile on your face. You had told me "Not too much longer, baby, and then I promise to never leave you again." And you looking back with that smile on your face is the last picture memory that I have of you alive.
There is so much more, but that, for now, is all I can do.
Days Up And Down
May 26, 2011
In one week it will have been four years. Four whole years. Some days I wake up and think 'how did I get here?' Some days I can hardly believe I am where I am after losing what I've lost. I never thought I would be here. Four years ago, when Shawn died, had you asked me I would have told you that four years from 2007 I would be dead, would have been dead for awhile when four years came around. But, thankfully, I am not. And I am eternally grateful to God for not saying yes to my prayers for death.
Four years has gone so fast and so much has happened. I lost my husband- actually I hate when people say you lost someone- that sounds like you misplaced them and will get them back as soon as you can remember where you left them, which obviously is not the case. He died. He is not lost, not at all. But anyways. In the past four years, my husband died. I became an addict. I overdosed. I had seizures. I numbed my pain with narcotics. I went to rehab and became a recovering addict in February 2008. I fell in love again. I had a beautiful baby girl. I had to give up my house, the last big thing that Shawn and I had done together. I made it through Henry's year long tour in Korea, though not without worrying and panicking every day. I was blessed enough to have him come home and be there for his homecoming. I've moved several times. We tried for a second baby, conceived, and then lost the baby. Too many things in the past four years to name, those are just a few of the big things. Life changes every day. You find something to look forward to and you hold on to that. You hold on for dear life and don't you ever let go. You move forward one step, one minute at a time, and you hold tightly, sometimes too tightly, to what you still have left.
Days up and down
They come like rain on a conga drum
Forget most, remember some
oh, but don't turn none away
We all got holes to fill
And those holes are all that's real
Some fall on you like a storm
Sometimes you dig your own
The choice is yours to make
Time is yours to take
Days up and down
Forget most, remember some
Oh, but don't turn none away
In one week it will have been four years. Four whole years. Some days I wake up and think 'how did I get here?' Some days I can hardly believe I am where I am after losing what I've lost. I never thought I would be here. Four years ago, when Shawn died, had you asked me I would have told you that four years from 2007 I would be dead, would have been dead for awhile when four years came around. But, thankfully, I am not. And I am eternally grateful to God for not saying yes to my prayers for death.
Four years has gone so fast and so much has happened. I lost my husband- actually I hate when people say you lost someone- that sounds like you misplaced them and will get them back as soon as you can remember where you left them, which obviously is not the case. He died. He is not lost, not at all. But anyways. In the past four years, my husband died. I became an addict. I overdosed. I had seizures. I numbed my pain with narcotics. I went to rehab and became a recovering addict in February 2008. I fell in love again. I had a beautiful baby girl. I had to give up my house, the last big thing that Shawn and I had done together. I made it through Henry's year long tour in Korea, though not without worrying and panicking every day. I was blessed enough to have him come home and be there for his homecoming. I've moved several times. We tried for a second baby, conceived, and then lost the baby. Too many things in the past four years to name, those are just a few of the big things. Life changes every day. You find something to look forward to and you hold on to that. You hold on for dear life and don't you ever let go. You move forward one step, one minute at a time, and you hold tightly, sometimes too tightly, to what you still have left.
Days up and down
They come like rain on a conga drum
Forget most, remember some
oh, but don't turn none away
We all got holes to fill
And those holes are all that's real
Some fall on you like a storm
Sometimes you dig your own
The choice is yours to make
Time is yours to take
Days up and down
Forget most, remember some
Oh, but don't turn none away
Coming Home
A father waits upon a son
A mother prays for his return
I just called to see
If you still have a place for me
We know that life took us apart
But you're still within my heart
I go to sleep and feel your spirit next to me
I'll make it home again
I pray you'll fall in love again
Just say you'll entertain the possibility
I learned enough from my mistakes
Learned from all I didn't say
Won't you wait for me
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
We fight to stay alive
But somebody's got to die
It's so strange to me
A new year, a new enemy
Another soldier gone to war
Another story told before
Now it's told again
It seems the wars will never end
But we'll make it home again
Back where we belong again
We're holding on to when
We used to dare to dream
We pray we live to see
Another day in history
Yes we still believe
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming
You know that I'll be coming home
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
Not too long before Shawn died, he sent me this song in an e-mail and told me to listen to it, and think of him. For a long time I didn't listen to it because it made me sad. Until that last day. The day he died, for reasons I still can't explain, I listened to it over and over and over again. And for the first time during his whole deployment, I felt at peace- because I knew that he'd be coming home. As the song says, "Round and round the world will spin, oh, the circle never ends, so you know that I'll be coming home." For awhile after he died I was so angry. Angry at the world. Angry at the Army. Angry at Shawn. People that haven't lost a loved one don't understand that anger. They say, "how can you be mad at someone because they died?" But it happens. It's one of the stages of grief. And I was angry. Angry because he had promised to come home to me. It was a long time before I realized that he did keep his word, he did come home to me. Just not the way either of us wanted. Now this song has different meaning. I still cry every time I hear it. But now I cry because I know he's home. I know he loved me more than life itself, and I am lucky to have had the absolute joy of having him in my life. I am lucky to have had his love. And I didn't lose that love. That love just comes from a different place now. He didn't choose to leave. He never would have left me, if he had had a choice. I do think he knew though. I think he knew he wasn't coming home. I'll explain that more at some point.
He did come home to me. And in my heart, he never really left.
A mother prays for his return
I just called to see
If you still have a place for me
We know that life took us apart
But you're still within my heart
I go to sleep and feel your spirit next to me
I'll make it home again
I pray you'll fall in love again
Just say you'll entertain the possibility
I learned enough from my mistakes
Learned from all I didn't say
Won't you wait for me
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
We fight to stay alive
But somebody's got to die
It's so strange to me
A new year, a new enemy
Another soldier gone to war
Another story told before
Now it's told again
It seems the wars will never end
But we'll make it home again
Back where we belong again
We're holding on to when
We used to dare to dream
We pray we live to see
Another day in history
Yes we still believe
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming
You know that I'll be coming home
It may be long to get me there
It feels like I've been everywhere
But someday I'll be coming home
Round and round the world will spin
Oh, the circle never ends
So you know that I'll be coming home
Not too long before Shawn died, he sent me this song in an e-mail and told me to listen to it, and think of him. For a long time I didn't listen to it because it made me sad. Until that last day. The day he died, for reasons I still can't explain, I listened to it over and over and over again. And for the first time during his whole deployment, I felt at peace- because I knew that he'd be coming home. As the song says, "Round and round the world will spin, oh, the circle never ends, so you know that I'll be coming home." For awhile after he died I was so angry. Angry at the world. Angry at the Army. Angry at Shawn. People that haven't lost a loved one don't understand that anger. They say, "how can you be mad at someone because they died?" But it happens. It's one of the stages of grief. And I was angry. Angry because he had promised to come home to me. It was a long time before I realized that he did keep his word, he did come home to me. Just not the way either of us wanted. Now this song has different meaning. I still cry every time I hear it. But now I cry because I know he's home. I know he loved me more than life itself, and I am lucky to have had the absolute joy of having him in my life. I am lucky to have had his love. And I didn't lose that love. That love just comes from a different place now. He didn't choose to leave. He never would have left me, if he had had a choice. I do think he knew though. I think he knew he wasn't coming home. I'll explain that more at some point.
He did come home to me. And in my heart, he never really left.
Henry
I've written a lot lately about losing Shawn. And while I miss him every day of my life, I am happy and very much in love.
I met Henry only a few months after Shawn died. I met him online. I needed a friend. I needed someone who understood my pain. I needed to get away. On September 28, 2007 I drove the 2+ hours to Ft. Gordon in Augusta. We talked on the phone while I drove. He hadn't been back from Iraq long. In fact, I found out later, that he and Shawn had been deployed at the same time, and both deployed out of Germany, though different bases. When I pulled into the parking lot of his barracks I made him come outside. I don't remember what I was wearing but I do remember that he was wearing blue shorts and a white t-shirt, black Crocs. I wasn't planning to stay long. I ended up staying. I never left. He held me without question. He loved me the moment he saw me. He took care of me, and never stopped. He woke me from nightmares. He stayed up all night with me. He held me while I cried. It was awhile before I realized I was in love with him too. What not many people know is that not long before Shawn died he told me that if anything happened to him he would send someone to me, and just to wait two weeks. He was somewhat joking. But then when I met Henry I knew Shawn had meant it. Not long after I realized I was in love with Henry I had a dream. In my dream I was talking to Shawn on Yahoo messenger, just like we used to when we first met. And he sent me a message, the exact words being "Amanda, I'm ok, I am happy. Love him. He loves you so much. Let him love you and love him back. Love each other. Be happy. Me and God, we're watching over you."
I love Henry with everything I am, without limits. I wouldn't be here if not for him.
I met Henry only a few months after Shawn died. I met him online. I needed a friend. I needed someone who understood my pain. I needed to get away. On September 28, 2007 I drove the 2+ hours to Ft. Gordon in Augusta. We talked on the phone while I drove. He hadn't been back from Iraq long. In fact, I found out later, that he and Shawn had been deployed at the same time, and both deployed out of Germany, though different bases. When I pulled into the parking lot of his barracks I made him come outside. I don't remember what I was wearing but I do remember that he was wearing blue shorts and a white t-shirt, black Crocs. I wasn't planning to stay long. I ended up staying. I never left. He held me without question. He loved me the moment he saw me. He took care of me, and never stopped. He woke me from nightmares. He stayed up all night with me. He held me while I cried. It was awhile before I realized I was in love with him too. What not many people know is that not long before Shawn died he told me that if anything happened to him he would send someone to me, and just to wait two weeks. He was somewhat joking. But then when I met Henry I knew Shawn had meant it. Not long after I realized I was in love with Henry I had a dream. In my dream I was talking to Shawn on Yahoo messenger, just like we used to when we first met. And he sent me a message, the exact words being "Amanda, I'm ok, I am happy. Love him. He loves you so much. Let him love you and love him back. Love each other. Be happy. Me and God, we're watching over you."
I love Henry with everything I am, without limits. I wouldn't be here if not for him.
Cadence
My Sweet Girl,
I'm writing this the day before your second birthday. Right now you are playing with your new shopping cart, pushing Barney around in it with the biggest smile on your face. You are such a happy little girl, and I am overjoyed that your Daddy and I have been able to provide that happiness for you.
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was absolutely terrified. Not because I didn't want you, but because I did. I had already lost so much in my 21 years, and I didn't want to lose you, too. I was terrified of losing you. But we made it. And here we are. How has it been two years, Princess? It seems like just yesterday that I woke up at seven in the morning, exactly a week after my due date, in horrible pain. Like everything with you, labor was easy. Four pushes and there you were, screaming your lungs out because you were no longer in the warm, safe, dark place that you had known for 41 weeks. Your Daddy saw you first, he cut your cord, and just like that you were no longer physically attached to me any longer. As glad as I was that you were here, I missed you swimming inside me already, missed your kicks and your punches, missed feeling you under my heart where your life had started, where you grew. It was a few minutes before I saw you, I didn't get to hold you right away. Because mine was a high risk pregnancy, they had to check you out right away. And then they gave you to me, and I looked into your beautiful, muddy blue eyes so full of secrets that I hadn't yet learned, so full of promise. You had a light in your eyes even then. You grabbed onto my finger, and you haven't let go since. You are the best thing I've ever done with my life, Cadence. You are the one thing that I have done absolutely right. You filled holes in me that I didn't even know were there. You are my greatest joy, you always will be.
I used to spend hours, literally, hours, just watching you sleep, wanting you to wake so I could sing to you, read to you, look in your eyes. I couldn't stand to be away from you, I still can't. And now, you are two. How did time go this fast? The past two years slipped through my fingers like sand. That isn't to say that I haven't cherished every moment, I have. But it still went much too fast. In the blink of an eye you will be ten, and then you'll be a teenager, and then you'll be married with babies of your own. I want every joy, every happiness possible for you. You deserve the world, and the world is what you will get, I will make sure of it. There's a lot I want to teach you, but the biggest lesson of all is this- that I love you, that I will always love you. That you will forever be my greatest joy. And I want to teach you to love without abandon. Whoever and whatever you love, love without abandon, without limits, always. This is a lesson that you practice every day. But I know that eventually life will get you down. And though it breaks my heart, I know that one day your beautiful, precious heart will be broken, and it will be hard to love like that. Don't you ever give up. Love is the greatest thing there is. Always love, Cadence. Always. And I promise to always love you without limits, no matter what. I hope one day, when you're a teenager, or an adult, you will look back on these words and they will help you.
Never forget, my child, my precious child, that I love you with my whole heart, with everything I am. And nothing could ever change that. I will go to the ends of the earth for you. I love you, Cadence Marie. To the moon and back and back and back again.
Love Always,
Mommy
I'm writing this the day before your second birthday. Right now you are playing with your new shopping cart, pushing Barney around in it with the biggest smile on your face. You are such a happy little girl, and I am overjoyed that your Daddy and I have been able to provide that happiness for you.
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was absolutely terrified. Not because I didn't want you, but because I did. I had already lost so much in my 21 years, and I didn't want to lose you, too. I was terrified of losing you. But we made it. And here we are. How has it been two years, Princess? It seems like just yesterday that I woke up at seven in the morning, exactly a week after my due date, in horrible pain. Like everything with you, labor was easy. Four pushes and there you were, screaming your lungs out because you were no longer in the warm, safe, dark place that you had known for 41 weeks. Your Daddy saw you first, he cut your cord, and just like that you were no longer physically attached to me any longer. As glad as I was that you were here, I missed you swimming inside me already, missed your kicks and your punches, missed feeling you under my heart where your life had started, where you grew. It was a few minutes before I saw you, I didn't get to hold you right away. Because mine was a high risk pregnancy, they had to check you out right away. And then they gave you to me, and I looked into your beautiful, muddy blue eyes so full of secrets that I hadn't yet learned, so full of promise. You had a light in your eyes even then. You grabbed onto my finger, and you haven't let go since. You are the best thing I've ever done with my life, Cadence. You are the one thing that I have done absolutely right. You filled holes in me that I didn't even know were there. You are my greatest joy, you always will be.
I used to spend hours, literally, hours, just watching you sleep, wanting you to wake so I could sing to you, read to you, look in your eyes. I couldn't stand to be away from you, I still can't. And now, you are two. How did time go this fast? The past two years slipped through my fingers like sand. That isn't to say that I haven't cherished every moment, I have. But it still went much too fast. In the blink of an eye you will be ten, and then you'll be a teenager, and then you'll be married with babies of your own. I want every joy, every happiness possible for you. You deserve the world, and the world is what you will get, I will make sure of it. There's a lot I want to teach you, but the biggest lesson of all is this- that I love you, that I will always love you. That you will forever be my greatest joy. And I want to teach you to love without abandon. Whoever and whatever you love, love without abandon, without limits, always. This is a lesson that you practice every day. But I know that eventually life will get you down. And though it breaks my heart, I know that one day your beautiful, precious heart will be broken, and it will be hard to love like that. Don't you ever give up. Love is the greatest thing there is. Always love, Cadence. Always. And I promise to always love you without limits, no matter what. I hope one day, when you're a teenager, or an adult, you will look back on these words and they will help you.
Never forget, my child, my precious child, that I love you with my whole heart, with everything I am. And nothing could ever change that. I will go to the ends of the earth for you. I love you, Cadence Marie. To the moon and back and back and back again.
Love Always,
Mommy
but I hope you know...
But I hope you know
That it won't let go
It sticks around with you until the day you die
And I hope you know
That it's touch and go
I hope the tears don't stain the world that waits outside
In the days and months and weeks that followed a depression unlike anything I could have possibly imagined descended. I could find absolutely nothing to look forward to. There was nothing to do. For the past two and a half years I had spent my life waiting for Shawn. Waiting for phone calls, waiting for mail, waiting for visits. I had spent the past two and a half years planning. Now the wait was over. And I had nothing but a grave , a folded flag, and a pair of dog tags to show for it. Even surrounded by people I was completely and utterly alone. I didn't want to sleep, because of the horrible nightmares. I had been told, in detail, what happened to him. And that filled my every waking and sleeping moment. But sleep was my only escape from reality. A reality that no one should ever have to face. It's an incredibly bleak existence. There is only fear, and pain, and anger. There is no hope, no joy, no comfort, no relief. It wouldn't be long before I found another escape. An escape that nearly killed me.
That it won't let go
It sticks around with you until the day you die
And I hope you know
That it's touch and go
I hope the tears don't stain the world that waits outside
In the days and months and weeks that followed a depression unlike anything I could have possibly imagined descended. I could find absolutely nothing to look forward to. There was nothing to do. For the past two and a half years I had spent my life waiting for Shawn. Waiting for phone calls, waiting for mail, waiting for visits. I had spent the past two and a half years planning. Now the wait was over. And I had nothing but a grave , a folded flag, and a pair of dog tags to show for it. Even surrounded by people I was completely and utterly alone. I didn't want to sleep, because of the horrible nightmares. I had been told, in detail, what happened to him. And that filled my every waking and sleeping moment. But sleep was my only escape from reality. A reality that no one should ever have to face. It's an incredibly bleak existence. There is only fear, and pain, and anger. There is no hope, no joy, no comfort, no relief. It wouldn't be long before I found another escape. An escape that nearly killed me.
...
As Army wives we are taught, trained, prepared for what will happen in the event our husband is killed. First, a notification officer in Class A's, and a Chaplain, also in Class A's will come to your residence. Second, they will not come after 2300 or before 0600. At 2300 every night I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing he was safe for another day. Third, you will not be told on the phone. Fourthly, it will not be someone you know. Almost none of it happened that way for me. First, I found out later from my neighbor, the notification officer was alone, he did not have a Chaplain with him. Second, it was after 2300. I had already breathed my sigh of relief for that day. Third, I was told on the phone. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances, but really, he could have come to my parents like he said he was going to. Because of all that, because it wasn't what I had been taught, it was that much harder to believe. Only a week or so before that I had heard about a man impersonating a notification officer and telling families that their loved one had been killed. I thought that's what it was. A second notification officer, this time with a chaplain, came the next morning. In my hundreds of nightmares I screamed and collapsed when I was notified. It didn't happen that way, I don't think I even cried. Inside my head was so loud, one minute screaming, another not believing, another minute complete and blessed numbness. He couldn't be gone. After all, I would have felt it. He was the biggest part of me. Surely I would know if he was no longer on this Earth with me. I would just know. After all, I knew, just knew, the time he got into a car accident. I knew the moment it happened. So surely I would feel this. I didn't and I've often wondered why. I honestly believe that he didn't want me to, he wanted, as always, to protect me for a little while longer.
Memories
When I let them, memories wash over me. Wave upon wave upon wave of memories. The first time Shawn called me, the first time I heard his voice. It was Christmas Eve, 2004. I don't remember now how long we talked. I do remember that I loved his voice, that the phone call was full of static. He was nearing the end of his first deployment. We met online. We talked every chance we could, for hours, about everything. Within a week we knew everything there was to know about each other. A lot of people didn't know until he died that we met online. In 2004 it was still taboo to meet people from the internet, and so we kept it secret, told our parents a different story. When he went home to California on leave after his deployment he paid for my plane ticket and I got on that plane and went to him. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was my first time flying, I was terrified. And so excited, so happy. Because even before we met in person, we knew. I loved him from day one, and I know he loved me too. Long before we met in person he told me he was in love with me. Said he had wanted to wait to tell me until I was in his arms but that even another day was too long to wait. I cried. What did I do to deserve the unconditional love of such an amazing man? Nothing. Nothing except love him back. When I stepped off of that plane in California, he was there, waiting with open arms. He bent me backwards and kissed me in front of everyone. And I was home. His arms were home. He took me to the beach that night. It was so beautiful, empty, the stars so close. We walked, talked. When we got back to his house he offered to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed. I looked at him like he was crazy. We went to sleep, and at one point I woke up and he was watching me sleep, looking at me with so much love in his eyes. He cried when he told me he loved me. He took care of me. He healed me. I did the same for him. We were both young, but we had both been hurt horribly by people we thought we loved at the time. All of a sudden those heartbreaks were a good thing. They led us to each other. Soulmates. Best friends. Lovers. We planned our life, our babies names, Shawn Jr. and April Marie. The kind of house we would have, where we would live, what we would do. We could talk for hours about our future. Neither of us had any idea that we only had such a short time left together. For all of our hopes, dreams, and worries, we never could have imagined that he had such a short time left on this earth.
The Day After
That night, after I found out I remember finally being sedated enough to lay down. I curled into a ball at the end of my bed and somehow, miraculously, slept. I didn't dream. I slept with my phone in my hand. I remember thinking that everything would be ok when I woke up, he would call, he wasn't gone because he promised. For those few blessed, precious seconds upon waking I didn't remember. And then I did. I checked my phone, no call. My Dad was asleep in my computer chair- that's how I knew I hadn't been dreaming. He had taken and hidden my prescription medicines. He knew me. If he hadn't taken them I would have taken everything I had. Death was wanted, welcome. Preferable to an empty existence without my whole world, my Shawn. The second notification officer came, with a chaplin. I was quiet. I was quiet through most everything that followed. Too many people to count mistook my quietness for not caring. But let me tell you this- inside I was screaming.
The Day That Changed My Life Forever
I never told anyone what it was like for me when Shawn died. People assumed. People judged. But I never told. And maybe it's time. Not for anyone else, but for me.
That day started out with a phone call from Shawn. Later I would look back on that phone call and dissect it. Try to see if he had known it was his last day. In truth it was just a normal phone call, one of our many, nothing special, nothing different. When he hung up I thought about calling him back, I wanted to. But he had said they were going out, and I didn't want to bother him. Later, I would hate myself for not calling. What if I had called back and he hadn't gone out on that mission? What if I could have stopped it? I know now that I couldn't have. At least, on good days I know. Some days I don't. I went shopping that day with a friend, bought some new clothes for the first time in I don't know how long. I spent some time at the house we had closed on only four days before. I went home. I ran water for a bath. I had just stepped into the bathtub when my cell phone rang. It was my new neighbor, calling to tell me there was someone in uniform there to see me. When I hadn't been at our new house he had gone to theirs. Later, I would find out that she made him wait until she knew I would be home with my parents to call. It didn't click with me right away. For all of my worrying and panic the whole deployment, it didn't click with me. I remember thinking that it was one of Shawn's friends that came to visit. The mind and heart will believe anything to protect itself. A man gets on the phone, he asked me how I was, my exact words were "I have a feeling I'm not about to be good." His exact words were "I'm sorry, Amanda, it shouldn't have to be that way." He asked me how to get to my parents house. I went in their room saying "Shawn is dead." They got up. My Dad got on the phone, gave him directions. I called Shawn's Iraq cell phone over and over and over, countless times. I called Shawn's parents. I called the people on Rear D back in Germany. They wouldn't answer. I took a Valium. I sat on the porch with my Dad and Hunter and waited for my life to end. And even then I was thinking it was a mistake. The notification officer called back, said he had been "diverted" and someone would be there tomorrow to talk to me. Dad made him tell me. He told the man that he was going to tell me now, that he wasn't going to make me wait until tomorrow to know if my husband was dead or alive. He agreed and Dad handed the phone back. "On behalf of the Army I regretfully inform you that your husband, Shawn E. Dressler..." and I handed the phone back. Blackness. Pain. Emptiness. It couldn't be true could it? He promised. He promised me. He never broke a promise. We just bought a house. No. What about our life? What about our future babies? What about growing old together? War widow. No, he's coming home, this can't be right. My Shawn wouldn't have left me. He's on a secret mission and they had to tell me this. No, he wouldn't ever ever leave me, I'm his baby, the love of his life, his soulmate, his best friend. Our first wedding anniversary is in exactly four weeks. I'm not old enough for this. I'm only 20. He's not even 23, too young for Heaven, much too young. Was it instant? Did he hurt? Did he think of me? God, take me too. Shawn, please tell God that I can't live, I can't breathe without you, I can't breathe, Shawn, please. Baby, please, come back, please. I will do anything. I can't live, I can't breathe, I am nothing without you. Please, let me take your place, Shawn, please, help me. Help me like you've always helped me. Please, baby, please, hold me. I love you, please, I love you so much, come back or take me. I love you. I love you. Isn't that enough? Come back.
That, in short, was what that first night was like. And for now that's all I can write. This hurts more than I thought it would after 3 years, 10 months, and 5 days.
That day started out with a phone call from Shawn. Later I would look back on that phone call and dissect it. Try to see if he had known it was his last day. In truth it was just a normal phone call, one of our many, nothing special, nothing different. When he hung up I thought about calling him back, I wanted to. But he had said they were going out, and I didn't want to bother him. Later, I would hate myself for not calling. What if I had called back and he hadn't gone out on that mission? What if I could have stopped it? I know now that I couldn't have. At least, on good days I know. Some days I don't. I went shopping that day with a friend, bought some new clothes for the first time in I don't know how long. I spent some time at the house we had closed on only four days before. I went home. I ran water for a bath. I had just stepped into the bathtub when my cell phone rang. It was my new neighbor, calling to tell me there was someone in uniform there to see me. When I hadn't been at our new house he had gone to theirs. Later, I would find out that she made him wait until she knew I would be home with my parents to call. It didn't click with me right away. For all of my worrying and panic the whole deployment, it didn't click with me. I remember thinking that it was one of Shawn's friends that came to visit. The mind and heart will believe anything to protect itself. A man gets on the phone, he asked me how I was, my exact words were "I have a feeling I'm not about to be good." His exact words were "I'm sorry, Amanda, it shouldn't have to be that way." He asked me how to get to my parents house. I went in their room saying "Shawn is dead." They got up. My Dad got on the phone, gave him directions. I called Shawn's Iraq cell phone over and over and over, countless times. I called Shawn's parents. I called the people on Rear D back in Germany. They wouldn't answer. I took a Valium. I sat on the porch with my Dad and Hunter and waited for my life to end. And even then I was thinking it was a mistake. The notification officer called back, said he had been "diverted" and someone would be there tomorrow to talk to me. Dad made him tell me. He told the man that he was going to tell me now, that he wasn't going to make me wait until tomorrow to know if my husband was dead or alive. He agreed and Dad handed the phone back. "On behalf of the Army I regretfully inform you that your husband, Shawn E. Dressler..." and I handed the phone back. Blackness. Pain. Emptiness. It couldn't be true could it? He promised. He promised me. He never broke a promise. We just bought a house. No. What about our life? What about our future babies? What about growing old together? War widow. No, he's coming home, this can't be right. My Shawn wouldn't have left me. He's on a secret mission and they had to tell me this. No, he wouldn't ever ever leave me, I'm his baby, the love of his life, his soulmate, his best friend. Our first wedding anniversary is in exactly four weeks. I'm not old enough for this. I'm only 20. He's not even 23, too young for Heaven, much too young. Was it instant? Did he hurt? Did he think of me? God, take me too. Shawn, please tell God that I can't live, I can't breathe without you, I can't breathe, Shawn, please. Baby, please, come back, please. I will do anything. I can't live, I can't breathe, I am nothing without you. Please, let me take your place, Shawn, please, help me. Help me like you've always helped me. Please, baby, please, hold me. I love you, please, I love you so much, come back or take me. I love you. I love you. Isn't that enough? Come back.
That, in short, was what that first night was like. And for now that's all I can write. This hurts more than I thought it would after 3 years, 10 months, and 5 days.
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