Sunday, July 3, 2011

Hate

May 31, 2011

Have I mentioned yet how much I hate this week? Because I do. Even after 4 years, I hate this week. If, God willing, I am still here in 80 years, I will still hate this week.

And hate is a strong word. This will sound odd to anyone that didn't know him, but when I think of the word hate I think of Shawn- not in the way most people would think. Quite the opposite. No matter what happened to him or what was done to him, he never hated, never. He told me on several occasions before he died that no matter what happened, to never have hate in my heart. Oh but I did, I still do sometimes. I do, of course I do, hate the people that did it, whoever they may be, and I've often thought that they should let the Army widows go take care of the ones that caused our husbands deaths, because I guarantee we would put the fear of God in them. There would be pain and torture- worse than what they did to our husbands. Even now, as I type this, I hear Shawn telling me "don't have hate in your heart, baby girl, you are too good for hate." But sometimes, on days like today, I just can't help it. I want to do them what they did to him, and more. And I am not a violent person.

Not too long after Shawn died, I heard a song, a hidden track on a CD that I had had for a long time, and I had never heard this song. One of the last lines in the song is this- "And smile at the gates 'cause their hate don't belong to you." So I try. I try not to have hate in my heart, because even after what happened to him, Shawn doesn't want me to hate. If he were here right now he'd be blessing me with capfuls of water and saying just that, because that's who he was. And for him, and myself as well, I try not to hate them. But some days, some weeks, like this one, I can't help it.

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