Days Up And Down

May 26, 2011

In one week it will have been four years. Four whole years. Some days I wake up and think 'how did I get here?' Some days I can hardly believe I am where I am after losing what I've lost. I never thought I would be here. Four years ago, when Shawn died, had you asked me I would have told you that four years from 2007 I would be dead, would have been dead for awhile when four years came around. But, thankfully, I am not. And I am eternally grateful to God for not saying yes to my prayers for death.

Four years has gone so fast and so much has happened. I lost my husband- actually I hate when people say you lost someone- that sounds like you misplaced them and will get them back as soon as you can remember where you left them, which obviously is not the case. He died. He is not lost, not at all. But anyways. In the past four years, my husband died. I became an addict. I overdosed. I had seizures. I numbed my pain with narcotics. I went to rehab and became a recovering addict in February 2008. I fell in love again. I had a beautiful baby girl. I had to give up my house, the last big thing that Shawn and I had done together. I made it through Henry's year long tour in Korea, though not without worrying and panicking every day. I was blessed enough to have him come home and be there for his homecoming. I've moved several times. We tried for a second baby, conceived, and then lost the baby. Too many things in the past four years to name, those are just a few of the big things. Life changes every day. You find something to look forward to and you hold on to that. You hold on for dear life and don't you ever let go. You move forward one step, one minute at a time, and you hold tightly, sometimes too tightly, to what you still have left.

Days up and down
They come like rain on a conga drum
Forget most, remember some
oh, but don't turn none away

We all got holes to fill
And those holes are all that's real
Some fall on you like a storm
Sometimes you dig your own
The choice is yours to make
Time is yours to take

Days up and down
Forget most, remember some
Oh, but don't turn none away