Promises, Promises

May 31, 2011

One thing that really shocked me after Shawn died was the manner of death listed on the death certificate- Homicide. Oddly, that shocked me. It shouldn't have, because, after all, that's exactly what it was. But until I saw that, I hadn't thought of it that way. Why, I'm not sure. It obviously wasn't suicide or natural causes and neither was it an accident. I guess it was harder to think of it as being murder. And oddly enough, there was comfort to be found on his death certificate too- Instantaneous. He did not suffer. He did not think. He did not have time to wonder why I was not there, holding his hand, like I had promised to be when death came for him, for us, when we were old and gray. I had promised him that, and it was a promise I couldn't keep. And, oh, I would have given anything to be able to hold him as he left my world and went to God. We had plans, plans to grow old and die together, in our sleep, in each others arms. It was all we wanted, really. We never asked much. We just wanted to have a long life together. The fact that I wasn't there for him still hurts me. I know it was instant, and even had I been there he would not have known. But that doesn't change the fact that I made a promise I wasn't able to keep. Yes, I know he understands, and on good days that is more than enough. On days like today I still wonder if I could have changed it, could have stopped it.