Sunday, July 3, 2011

Remember...

May 27, 2011

Shawn,

Remember the first time you called me? It was Christmas Eve and I had had a horrible day. And you, you made it all better, even though you were in your own hell. We had found each other on that website, and I thought you had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. We talked about everything, and nothing. And the phone was so staticky that it frustrated us both.

Remember how we told each other everything? How we'd spend hours, as long as you could, talking on Yahoo messenger. I still have every conversation we ever had on there saved. I go back, and I read them sometimes. And sometimes I laugh, mostly I cry. But this you know.

Remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend? Before we had ever even met in person. But you asked, and I told you I would let you know, made up some lame excuse that you saw right through because I was scared. I told you yes on January 3rd. Remember when you first told me you loved me? You said you had wanted to wait until you could look in my eyes and tell me, but that you couldn't wait anymore. And, oh honey, I loved you too.

Remember the first time we met in person? I was so nervous. I got off the plane, and there you were, and you took me in your arms and right there in the middle of that airport you bent me back and kissed me for the first time. You took me to the beach, and we walked, and talked, and it was such a beautiful night. We went back to your parent's house and you offered to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed. But I wanted to be in your arms. And so I was. Anything I wanted or needed, you gave, without a second thought.

Remember the first time I came to Germany? I got lost in the airport. You said you'd meet me at the gate. Well the gate to me was right when you got off the plane. I didn't know I would have to go through customs to get to you, and that left us both wandering the airport for what, two hours? And I finally figured it out, and we found each other, and you never let me live it down.

Remember Munich? Remember how I had to pretty much carry you to a cab? And that hotel room, it had those two tiny twin beds that you couldn't even push together, so I slept almost on top of you.
Remember the drive to Austria? We sang, we talked, we laughed. John Deere Green. Remember that night in Austria? We got lost, and walked for hours. You and Bobby tried to "sell" me as a hooker. Do you remember the transvestite hooker? And it threatened to call the cops on us because we were on its corner. And when we got back my legs ached so bad and all I wanted was a hot bath and the hot water didn't work. After all, that's why you had paid so much money for that room, just so I could have a bathtub and not just a shower. And the next day, when I needed the feminine product, and you and Bobby went in search of it and were gone for hours while Danny and Leah sat with me and I couldn't really move. Ha. Those are good friends you have. Really, Danny and Matt especially. I would have been lost without them.

Remember when you asked me to marry you? Christmas Day. We were laying in your bed at your parent's, watching A Christmas Story and one of the cats was in there and you were talking about us having a cat one day and our life together and did I still want that, and of course I did. And after I said yes you got so excited and left your room saying "Mom, she said yes!" And the ring was much too big because of my tiny size 4 fingers, and we had to wait a few days to get it sized and it was hard to wait.

Remember the time I thought I was pregnant? And you were so excited. Picked out names. And we were both disappointed when I wasn't, but figured we had years and years and years to have babies.

Do you remember how we were going to wait until after deployment to get married? And then you called me one night, not long after I had gotten home from Germany, and told me you didn't want to wait anymore and then we could have a second wedding, a big wedding, when you got back from Iraq. I bought our rings and a few weeks later we were married. Do you remember the man that married us? We couldn't understand him and it was so hard not to laugh. And after, we both cried happy tears. We both cried a lot of happy tears during our time together. That was one thing I loved about you- you would cry while telling me you loved me because you loved me so much.

Remember how you took me fishing on our wedding day? And I ran out of cigarettes and finished my book and then we couldn't find a store open to get more cigarettes. And we bought that cheap bottle of wine that was horrible. And saw a lot of wind meters.

Remember R&R? We were so excited. You were supposed to come home soon, for good. Never to be gone again, ever. We looked at houses online. And the day you left, they wouldn't let me go back with you because I hadn't brought my Military ID. And the last picture of you that I have in my head is of you walking away, bag slung over your shoulder, and you looked back and had the biggest smile on your face. You had told me "Not too much longer, baby, and then I promise to never leave you again." And you looking back with that smile on your face is the last picture memory that I have of you alive.

There is so much more, but that, for now, is all I can do.

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