Night Shift

So Henry starts night shift on Monday. And I have to be honest, I am not happy about it and I am more than a little scared. Yes, it could be much much worse, and I am so grateful that he will still be here and not away from us. But I do hate that we won't get to see him much. I hate that even on his days off we won't see much of him because while we're awake he will be asleep. I hate that Cadence won't see much of him. I hate it for him. I hate that we're going to be alone at night. For those of you that know me you know that I don't do well alone, and I especially don't do well alone at night. And after what happened the other day with those horribly severe panic attacks, I am even more scared. In the grand scheme of things I know this isn't bad, I know it isn't a big deal. But I am scared of being alone at night. To me that's a huge thing. Besides staff duty, I havent been alone at night since right after Shawn died. It was horrible then and it's still horrible. For me it is bad. I cannot sleep when I am alone. I cannot sleep without him next to me. For nearly four years Henry has been there to wake me from the nightmares and keep me safe. And now I will be alone in our bed, and it will not be easy for me. And he could be on night shift until we PCS, and that could be three years. I assume I will get used to it. I really have no choice. My only other option is to switch my schedule and Cadence's, and stay up all night and sleep all day, but I don't really think that's fair to her. We both need to see sunshine. So, the only thing I can really do is suck it up. Yes, I am aware that this sounds like a lot of bitching and whining. I am aware that it could be worse- believe me, I know all too well. But you are not me and you do not understand my fears. You do not have my nightmares. You do not know what terror the night can bring. So, please, do not tell me I'm overreacting. It may seem that way to you, but if you were in my shoes you would understand. Yes, I am extremely lucky that he is here and not deployed, and I am grateful for that every minute. Yes, I am very aware that it could be worse, so I don't need you to tell me that. This is me, this is our life, my life, these are my fears, and it is not for you to judge what 'should' or 'shouldn't' be a big deal.