Memories

When I let them, memories wash over me. Wave upon wave upon wave of memories. The first time Shawn called me, the first time I heard his voice. It was Christmas Eve, 2004. I don't remember now how long we talked. I do remember that I loved his voice, that the phone call was full of static. He was nearing the end of his first deployment. We met online. We talked every chance we could, for hours, about everything. Within a week we knew everything there was to know about each other. A lot of people didn't know until he died that we met online. In 2004 it was still taboo to meet people from the internet, and so we kept it secret, told our parents a different story. When he went home to California on leave after his deployment he paid for my plane ticket and I got on that plane and went to him. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was my first time flying, I was terrified. And so excited, so happy. Because even before we met in person, we knew. I loved him from day one, and I know he loved me too. Long before we met in person he told me he was in love with me. Said he had wanted to wait to tell me until I was in his arms but that even another day was too long to wait. I cried. What did I do to deserve the unconditional love of such an amazing man? Nothing. Nothing except love him back. When I stepped off of that plane in California, he was there, waiting with open arms. He bent me backwards and kissed me in front of everyone. And I was home. His arms were home. He took me to the beach that night. It was so beautiful, empty, the stars so close. We walked, talked. When we got back to his house he offered to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed. I looked at him like he was crazy. We went to sleep, and at one point I woke up and he was watching me sleep, looking at me with so much love in his eyes. He cried when he told me he loved me. He took care of me. He healed me. I did the same for him. We were both young, but we had both been hurt horribly by people we thought we loved at the time. All of a sudden those heartbreaks were a good thing. They led us to each other. Soulmates. Best friends. Lovers. We planned our life, our babies names, Shawn Jr. and April Marie. The kind of house we would have, where we would live, what we would do. We could talk for hours about our future. Neither of us had any idea that we only had such a short time left together. For all of our hopes, dreams, and worries, we never could have imagined that he had such a short time left on this earth.