Widow

June 20, 2011

Some days I just want to be normal for a bit. I never wanted the word, the tag, the stigma, of widow applied to me. I never wanted any of this. I NEVER WANTED THIS! I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. I didn't ask for it. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted him to come home. And some days I am still angry. I didn't want this, dammit, I did not want it. No one ever wants this. I am still so angry. Angry at the world, angry at God. He was supposed to come home. I just wanted him to come home. I left a light on, every single night. I did everything I could. I loved him with all of me. And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to bring him home. I am still bitter sometimes. Why him? Why me? Why any of us? I miss him. I love him. And I didn't want this. Oh, God, I did not want this. I wanted one thing. Only one thing, for him to come home alive. And I didn't get the only thing I wanted.

I can still see him. But his smile is fading. I can't smell him anymore, can't feel his touch. I can no longer picture the exact color of his eyes. I am slowly losing the only thing I have left of him.

He is gone. And I am here. This is my reality.